your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
