seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
