I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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