life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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