I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Pants are for mortals
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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