There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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