Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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