Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
