I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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