Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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