If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
