he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
