Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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