is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
