Pants 0. Shit 1.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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