The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
