Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
