I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
