If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Ketchup is God's man juice
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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