i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
