after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
