Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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