If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
