I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
