Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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