Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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