Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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