So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
