So drunk its hurt
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
