from now on my penis is your penis
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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