i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
