we have officially lost it.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
