Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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