my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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