is your mom at the bar?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
