the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
