i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
