I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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