Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize