woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
