i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
