I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
