Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
