Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
