In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
