Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
