im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
