So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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