GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
