I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
