its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
