I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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