Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
