careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
