My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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